It's hard enough to analyze or discipline oneself if unattached. Many people diminish their shortcomings in their own minds, and inflate their strengths. I'm no stranger to this - in business school, people are taught to do this in interviews to land a job, even if it comes back to bite them later.
In a marriage (a dirty word lately in many places), it can become even more difficult, because if the marriage is even a little bit healthy, a token of one's own ego is lying right next to you each morning. As Alec Baldwin said in his sometimes hilarious role in the 2005 film, "The Departed":
Marriage is an important part of getting ahead. It lets people know you’re not a homo. A married guy seems more stable. People see the ring, they think ‘at least somebody can stand the son of a bitch.’ Ladies see the ring, they know immediately that you must have some cash, and your cock must work.
Base humor, for sure, but it leads to an interesting point if followed through: some people think merely being married is enough and it's okay to use the ring as a shield, sort of like a cop's badge. In a society where many marriages are anything but healthy, a disconnect results for many.
If you're healthy and have a good attitude, you should know you're not perfect - even if you have a spouse who makes you feel like a million bucks. You might say, "I feel like crap because I've been eating a bit much lately and have been too busy to work out." Your husband or wife might respond, "you look fantastic" unless you're morbidly obese, but it doesn't change the fact that you might want to try working out a bit more. But again, that token of self-inflation is sitting right there telling you that you're okay, you're perfect, you're a catch - so why bother?
This becomes dangerous, because when typical marital problems arise - an argument that becomes a bigger deal than it should - it turns out one might not have been paying attention to the problems that manifest themselves in those arguments. So the psychological disconnect of, say, feeling like crap physically but not hearing it from the person who matters most comes to a head, and other issues wrap themselves around whatever it is the couple is arguing about, creating a complex web of problems that only serve to frustrate in the moment.
What does one do to address issues of self-analysis before they spiral out of control or begin affecting personal relationships? A fresh approach might include the following:
- Having time to oneself is important for each spouse. This is unavoidable for some - in my situation, both of us work, so I do have a couple of nights to myself. Do you like being alone? Hate it? If so, why? I find I think more clearly when alone, but I end up wanting to come back to the company of my family after a long while. Still, the time is useful for me to take a more objective look at myself than I normally would.
- Be honest with yourself about your interactions, your career, your relationships with your other family members (parents & siblings rather than children & wife). Basically, the life outside of the marriage. Is it healthy? If not, why not? Do you bring those problems home with you?
- To perform this analysis, the aforementioned time alone is needed. Write in a journal; speak to a friend; join a support group if you need to.
Whether we like it or not, our society is so overly social that it's expected one will have an extremely busy life outside of a long term relationship,such that people seek it out and don't allow a marriage or long term relationship to grow to its fullest potential. But if two people are right for each other, there should be no jealousy over hanging out with friends occasionally, or being able to spend some time alone. It's natural, healthy, and it should be encouraged.
Marriage alone isn't enough, and it shouldn't be used as a defense against self-analysis. As a spouse and as a parent, one needs to work even harder to ensure he or she is getting better as a person - that your spouse would still want to marry you even if you had just met yesterday; that your children see you as a positive role model instead of just the person who provides. Marriage, in this way, is a continuation of growth as a person, except you're doing it as two people instead of one. Just don't let that idea fool you out of accountability for your own actions and your own quality as a person.
